Posted by: A Mom w/Fears | April 22, 2010

Full of it…

I think I am officially Full of It.   But what is “IT”?  I don’t know.  Random crap.   Lately that’s about all I can muster up, no real full circle thoughts. None of this is meant to sound bitchy.  I’m just actually trying to clear my head.

I am not sure if it’s emotional overload or if it is age.

Speaking of Age.  40 is nearing.  Quickly I might add.   I want 40 to be something exciting to look forward to.  Any ideas?   I will be heading into this decade with salt and pepper looking stubble on my head, and the dark is absolutely a mystery to be honest.   I realize I haven’t seen my real hair color since probably junior high…but come on…it’s really dark.   The grey, it is from all the excitement I have had experiencing the wonders of motherhood, and I’m hoping it will stop now that I’ve done the hardest part.  I have…right?   0-18 years?  It’s all downhill from here…anyone, anyone?

One would think I’m having a mid-life crisis…getting a “sleeve” tattoo.  I mentioned I wanted one, here at the bottom of the post, but I am sure no one really thought that I would actually follow through.   I am.

I’ve been having work done on it since the beginning of December 09.   I think it’s a total of 8 appointments all together, and I have 4 more left.  Should be done mid June.  I have an appointment on the 27th, then two in May (11th, 27th) and one in June (16th) that should finish it off.  I’m excited. It’s looking great.  But I really do not think it’s a mid-life crisis.  I think it’s something that is mine, mine alone that I can not only control, but that no one can take away from me.  (Selfish?  Maybe.)

Control.  I can’t control the weather, or the traffic, or the way I would hope my daughter would carry herself.   I can’t control the way others think of me, or treat me.  I can’t control when I’m going to get sick with a cold, the flu, or like when I sprained my ankle.  Who knew?   That was one little TRIP I didn’t need to take.

So many things can be ripped right out from underneath us, our lives for one because we don’t know when God will call for us. And what about our minds, Alzheimer’s doesn’t discriminate.  Our jobs, this economy is not stable and business’ fold, those who don’t fold, have made serious cut-backs, or get bought out.  People everywhere are concerned.  Our health, just like getting sick with a cold is basically uncontrollable, but on a much more serious note…I can’t control which of my family or friends will get cancer.  I can’t control whether or not -“I” – will get cancer.

I can control what art (tattoos) I choose to be put on my body.  I can also choose how often I want to feel the pain, and if I can/can’t afford it.  It is something that I can choose to cover up, or show off.   And no one, can take it away from me.  It’s mine.   When God calls for me, it will go with me, and I’m sure he and I will visit about it (all of my art).  And that’s ok, he might have tattoos too… (please don’t leave me nasty comments or scripture, I have heard them all…it’s a joke people!)

Marriages.  I have questions and random thoughts about people and their marriages.   I wonder how many people out there really honestly have great marriages anymore.   And with that word “anymore”…how many, way back when, really did?   What possess someone to stay married when they are being mentally, emotionally, and/or physically abused?   I know that they probably love that person, but love yourself enough to get out.

Ask yourself, would I want my daughter/son in an abusive relationship like this?   What would I tell them to be doing about it?…  Why can’t every marriage be happy and fun, similar to mine?

No, that is not us, but it looks like fun huh?

Relationships.   Dysfunction seems to be the norm, through my eyes anyway.

Dysfunction in parent/child relationships.  That one is tough for me, it strikes a cord with me in a couple ways.

Parents who will never see their child as an adult, to other parents that have never really been parents at all (the absent parent), or the “not my son/daughter” parents.   All are people who are really missing out on so many important places in the lives of their children.   I am not perfect, please do not think I am tootin my own horn here, all I want is for some people to “open their eyes”…it’s amazing what they would see.

Disrespect in parent/child relationships.   Why is it tolerated for children to be disrespectful to their parents and/or other adults in this generation?   (I’m not talking about my kids here in this specific instance)   Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not asking for “yes maam/no maam” but I would appreciate something even along the lines as “yes, I’ll mow the lawn I know you just had surgery” instead of “I don’t know how to mow the lawn, I’m going to (fill in the blank here)”.   Yes, I know of several kids that talk to their parents this way.   And I could go on forever.   In this instant, mom has too much on her plate, and dad falls into the mental/emotional abuse category above so he’s no help.

Friendships.   Why is it that we have friends that we can talk openly about our marriages to, friends that we talk about our kids and the things that we’re dealing with, and friends that we share hobbies with.   Then we have other friends that we party with, that we shop with, that we commensurate with or that we go to church with.   Friends that we can laugh with, that we are hyper with, that we are mellow with.   Friends that we share trials with, that we lean on, that we’re there for and we know will be there for us.  How many of us have that “one” someone in our life that fulfills all those things?  Very few, I’m sure.

Facebook.   Facebook I have a lot of issues with you.   I love you.  I hate you.  I want to take a break from you.  I enjoy my time with you.  Conflicting isn’t it.   Facebook takes time away from BabyAm’s studying which makes it very hard for me to visit, when I don’t think she should be there…why is it ok for me?   I love seeing pictures of friends both old and new.  I love some of the words of wisdom that friends post.   I love being able to say what’s on my mind sometimes.

I don’t enjoy the games people play, Mafia Wars, Farmville etc.   Now, I have hidden them from my newsfeed as they pop up however, why should I be someone’s friend on FB if I have not seen them actually post anything in weeks, but when I look at their profile, they’ve been on…all day, everyday, but playing stupid games????   Didn’t they friend me because they wanted to actually stay in touch?   I want to delete you.

Why, if I wasn’t your friend in school, in the “hood”, or at work…are you wanting to be my FB friend?  Do you just want to see  pictures of my house, of my family, see what I do for a living, or in my personal time?   I wouldn’t invite you over for a BBQ (because we don’t really know each other), so why do I want you in my “circle” here?

If I have actually ignored you on FB, there is a reason I’m sure.   It could have been that I wasn’t in the mood to “catch up”. It could have been because we didn’t get along, or we weren’t friends.  It also could be because I am friends with people who are very private people and don’t prefer you knowing everything about them.  Whatever the case, don’t call me on the carpet with why I ignored you.   It wasn’t because I hate you, it wasn’t that you aren’t welcome in my life, it’s that my FB is just that, mine.  I don’t want to be judged, humiliated or stalked.

Does that make me stuck up, or just private?  Either way.  I don’t care.  I’m too old to care.

I need a cup of tea.  Tea fixes everything.

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Responses

  1. Love your brain dumps.

    Love you!

  2. Yes tea fixes everything and we are due for a cuppa together. Lots going on at my house – but all good. Need to fill you in. Off on Monday maybe we can catch up then.


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